More wedding photos....

What have I been up to lately....

First of all, I got to see some digital photographs from snapphoto of the wedding. Above is one of them.

I am also looking for a car. I first went to a car dealership with Jen and it was a really bad experience-- the salesperson was...well...a used car salesmen. I don't get along with used car salesmen. Enough said.

So....I have decided to buy a car from a private owner for under $1,000....it will not be the best car but if it works for a year without any major repairs, I will be happy! Jen is being so helpful and supportive when it comes to finding me a car. I love her.

Also, I have been attending for a week now. I went to four classes and really enjoyed all of them, except yogalates was a little hard-- I went to it on Wednesday and am very sore still today (Saturday). I am very proud of myself though that I am getting involved with this activity! I much rather go to these classes then go to the gym (which I used to really like and go every single day)-- afterwards instead of feeling tired, worn, and worse than I started I actually feel rejuvenated, more empowered, more fit, and spiritually enlightened! Go yoga! hehe. I hope to keep going about four times a week and taking all the beginner classes until I feel more fit and then I would like to try ashtanga 1, then maybe yogalates and Pilate's....anyway, they have such a variety of classes, some are more breathing/meditative, some aerobic, and others strengthening. The yoga studio is in the perfect place as well, about a 15 minute walk from where I live. I would love to keep going when I start school as my exercise routine.

Great day!

This morning I woke up and felt really well...genuinely happy. Wow! Happy! The news of getting to work in my current job from Cincinnati after July 1st, starting my next job July 28th, getting a full scholarship for a PhD program, having my girlfriend visit me in Iowa and then moving in wth her-- all this news is just unbelievable and is making me feel so happy and ecstatic!! I just bounced around all day happy, content, and at peace. I felt pretty and stress-free on the outside and inside!

It seems like I don't know how to deal with all these positive feelings-- I've been so used during the last several years of having something to worry about that this is a deep deep relief. Of course I'm not expecting everything to go smoothly and problem-free, I am still prepared for challenges and for all the work that is ahead of me but I am also cherishing all these milestones and greatness in my life right now. I'm thankful for what is happening in my life all the time everyday and never take it for granted. :-)

Moving on....

Oh goodness! Sometimes I feel like I just don't understand so many other people and they don't understand me...today I got in a fiery emotional conversation with a colleague. I felt that she was being very unkind to me so I told her and said I didn't appreciate it. She did not like the confrontation and denied it until I almost walked out and confronted her again. Ugh, why did I even have to do that....I read all these books on dismantling my destructive ego when it just seems to not work in practice. It works when I'm by myself reading or what not but then when I see other people I become so difficult. I feel like I'm trying hard, but I guess not enough. I probably need to increase my awareness of other people, accepting and understanding their behavior, and how my actions could make them feel...good grief! The BEST thing to do though, is forget about the whole incident and move on.

BIG BREATH. Back to work.

Early early morning...

I'm back from France! I woke up at 3:45am this morning and went to sleep at 7pm yesterday. Hopefully in a day or two my biological clock will readjust to this time zone.

It feels wonderful to wake up at 4am because I am so efficient and get a lot of things done this early in the morning. I have known people who actually start work at 4am for that reason! I'm not sure how long this early awakening will last though, I don't think I can sustain it for long. But it would be so nice to wake up to the sunrise every morning, go on a walk, write emails/clean/catch up on things before the day even "begins"!

The wedding day was amazing....with white roses in michelle's hair and in the trees by the place they stood to get married, the weather was perfect and sunny, it was relaxed and casual yet elegant and beautiful...different people gave readings during the ceremony-- Thomas' sister Pia read an excerpt from The Little Price, and Michelle's cousin Jeremy read from Ernest Hemingway's Farewell to Arms. Afterwards everyone mingled over drinks and snacks, snapping photos and talking...then we had a really nice dinner. Michelle made place cards with name tags tied to bundles of dried lavender. It was wonderful to see michelle so genuinely happy during the day...releasing the most positive energy as possible from her special soul :-)

Thomas' mother gave them a framed picture of her and her husband with their actual wedding ring and their parents with their wedding ring and then the great grandparents with the wedding ring. That was one of the most special things I've ever seen!!

I took so many pictures at my sister's wedding and trip to France-- with the change in scenery and new beautiful things everywhere I carried my SLR manual camera almost everywhere I went taking photographs in Provence. I can't wait to develop them....I took one roll of black and white film and another to finish, which I'm excited about developing in a darkroom. The trip definitely reacquainted me with the camera I used to adore and forgot about...

One more day!

Ugh, I don't know if I can get through the day! I think because I'm leaving for France tomorrow, I am on the plane right now in my mind. It's difficult to work in the library every day-- with the freezing temperature and stale air. But then again, it allows me the freedom to listen to music on my computer and take breaks when I need to.

But I still wish that I could just go to Workspace in the Memorial Union at Iowa State University and work in the dark room all day. Maybe I should change my line of work, although I like working with math and numbers, deep down inside I think there is another creative path that was meant for me. I need to do the work to discover it!

The photo above from: http://www.colorsofprovence.com/

Good day....

I am having such a good day...it's funny how my days alternate-- I'll have a horrible day and then the next day will be so happy and wonderful. That was my story of yesterday. I love thinking about that....that both happiness and sadness never last. And that's okay :) That's life.

But today was so nice. I spent the day getting many things I needed to do in preparation for a bridal shower, birthday, and my sister's wedding. I talked with my sister, adjusted my bridesmaid dress with my step-mom, went to the public library to get dvd's of six feet under for this week...getting mentally prepared for my sister's wedding in Provence, France. Having nice texts with my sweetheart. Eating pizza along with wine for dinner. Lot's of good moments just added up....and then tonight I'm going out for a drink with one of my childhood best friends and her fiance.

I've posted a picture of lilacs, since they seem to be everywhere in Ames, Iowa....making the air smell so good! It's from: http://steph.sicore.org/archives/home/index.html.

papercranes.

Somehow, around 3:30pm my brain shuts down and it's very difficult for me to work and finish up the rest of the day until I leave around 4:30 or 5pm. Sometimes I'll push through it, sometimes I just give in and do something more enjoyable than statistical analysis of data.

Yesterday I had a very strange day, I was feeling tired and frustrated from the moment I got up...today was much better but I know that I should exercise and eat healthier. I hope to God I can get a car when I come back from France.

I still have a persistent nagging feeling that something is not quite right....maybe somewhere something is happening and I don't have a crystal ball to actually see it but I have a connection to it and feel it...I don't know what it is. Maybe I need to do something fun or enjoy something...at least I'll see one of my childhood best friends Naomi and her fiance will be in town and we will go out Saturday night and her wedding shower is the next day. I need to go to Cook's Emporium this weekend to buy her a gift!

I have discovered a great band called Papercranes....(picture above from http://www.papercranesmusic.com/images.html). I've been listening to them a lot during the day while I work and absolutely adore their music. I like the lyrics...."...only you hold you back...", "...how come change is so hard when you're changing....", "...you've got me to smile...", and "...I'll meet you in the middle of you and me..."

First picture of poppies is from (http://elseachelsea.typepad.com/)

Spring flowers....

I wanted to post these photos from the blog La Tartine Gourmande, these are such beautiful spring time flowers! It's a rainy day out right now, and the fresh pink flowers make me feel bright inside again.

Bus on a saturday...

I spent my Saturday morning taking the bus to mainstreet in Ames. I got off at the City Hall and walked down the street to the public library where I chose six dvd's to check out and returned books/dvd's I checked out last weekend. They are all non-fiction dvd's (except for one video of six feet under) about different artists/people. Right now, though I'm watching Melinda and Melinda I saw my family happened to have-- I love woody allen movies!

Then after the library, I walked to Wheetsfield Grocery food coop which is right next to the library. Different things in Ames surprise me, this food coop being one of them. It is a great organic food co-op-- it's big and the selection is really great. I've visited quite a few co-ops and this is relatively great. I got food there, which I desparately need because all my family eats are meat, burger king, and frozen pizzas most of the time which is opposite of me who eats mainly organic vegetarian food. I'm unusual to my family and whenever the topic of food comes up they look at me like I'm an alien :)

So I took the bus home with my cloth bag full of groceries...then I did laundry with some new detergent I bought at Wheetsfield and made lunch...I have the rest of the day at home so I'll probably do cleaning and work on my research project. Tomorrow I'm going to walk to the Unitarian Universalist Fellowship of Ames and go to the 10am service-- there is also a meditation group there I might attend tomorrow evening. Other than that I will spend this memorial day weekend finishing up my data analysis for work on Tuesday and preparing more for the wedding.

Second day of work: complete!

My second day of work has just ended. It's a relief. It went well, and I feel like I'm getting steps closer to my first pay check which is really important. If I can just make it through the summer is what I keep saying. But what I need to learn to do more than anything else is just let go....realize that it's not easy but that I'm making it every day a little further and that is important.

I had two great phone conversations with people at University of Cincinnati today, which gives me hope that everything may work out...I talked to the Director of the department I got accepted to and asked him about a tuition waver. He said that he has put in a request already and will be able to tell me within the next week. Then I talked to someone I may be able to do research with (for living expenses in Cincinnati) during the year. I am thinking that there may be a possibility that he could pay part of the tuition for me in the form of an assistantship, if the tuition waver doesn't work out! So a lot of things are up in the air right now. Life is all about uncertainty. Even when things look certain, they never really are. So....just smile :)

Positives and negatives.

I'm really trying to keep my hopes up...and not think about the negative aspects of my life right now. If I do that, I think I will go crazy or very upset. What I need is to accept the things that cannot change (i.e. living in my family's basement in a small midwestern town with no cultural diversity, no car, and having little money until a month from now when my first pay check comes which means I have been eating peanut butter and ramen noodles too often) and act upon and change the things that can. I can change how I deal with the things that cannot change it....like take walks outside, read outside on the Iowa State University campus which is beautiful, go to the public library and check some books I would love to read, draw, write.

There are positives about my life, I am in a great relationship with someone I love, I just got a great job that started last Friday and tomorrow will be Monday and again I will be busy with a full work week. And tomorrow starts extended hours at the library I go to and weekend hours, the bus line stop is right in front of our house, I have enough money to get to nyc for my sister's wedding, I stopped drinking coffee since I came here and drink green tea daily instead, I have a potentially exciting prospect at University of Cincinnati for after this current job ends, I'm getting along fairly well with my dad and Monika, I don't need to bring my bridesmaid dress in to be altered, I ordered my shoes which will arrive in time for the wedding. I didn't even realize there were more positives than negatives until I wrote them all down. It's funny how we can become so focused on the negatives that we can let one negative outweigh ten positives, until we change our frame of mind.

I think I'm going to the public library soon to get more books and maybe DVD's and possibly work at Cafe Diem after that.

Bridesmaide preparations!

Today was my first day of work for my new job! It was great...and then tonight I started finalizing some of the plans for my sister's wedding, which will be in Provence, France, June 14th. I bought shoes from Target online,

So pretty....and then I thought I would have to pay money to get my bridesmaid dress altered but after I tried it on and my step mom, Monika, and I looked at it, we decided we can make a few small changes ourselves. The halter strap needs to be shortened a few inches, we can add elastic to the front, and cut off a couple inches of the bottom. Yay! Also, there was a huge pen mark on the front of the dress (my sister got it at a vera wang sample sale in nyc where she lives) and Monika gave me the tip of rubbing alcohol into the pen mark....it worked like magic! No more pen mark! Now I don't need to buy a huge ribbon belt to cover it up.

I still need to buy a strapless bra I think, and my sister will lend me pearl earrings. I'm excited for the wedding...the first photo above is a picture of the bridesmaid dress my sister found for 25$ but it is in a honeydew melon color and there is no ribbon at the waist, although I would really like to add one :)

Morning bliss...

This morning I was driving to work with my brother and my father and saw a lawn mower you can ride with a couple on it. A boy and girl were squeezed onto the seat together with their arms around each other, driving it across the lawn. I thought that was so romantic...they were both smiling and laughing. It was such joy to see that in the morning. They kind of resembled the end of the movie Ferris Bueller's Day Off when the couple rides a lawn mower off into the sunset.

Marriage on Brothers and Sisters

I just watched the most recent episode of the tv show Brothers and Sisters online from 5/12/08 http://dynamic.abc.go.com/streaming/landing?channel=5071-- it was such a good show. Almost the entire episode was about the Civil Union that Tommy and Scottie planned. Last week's episode, they got engaged and this week's episode showed Tommy telling his family about the wedding, everyone preparing, how the family members reacted to the news...even flashbacks to when Tommy first told his father he is gay and how the relationship changed between them. Overall, the "Civil Union" actually turned into a marriage. I like the idea that marriage does not need to be dictated by a priest or the city government, but rather by the couple. Anyone can have a marriage anywhere for that matter, and it can mean the same thing as any other marriage. I really believe in that.

So there were many touching moments in the show like when Scottie's father gave the cuff links he wore at his own wedding to Tommy to give Scottie. And then it showed after the wedding, Scottie taking off the cuff links while smiling at his husband.

I think this is the most beautiful process of gay marriage I have seen on a television program.

Cincinnati...

It was interesting to return to Cincinnati, although the whole time I was there I don't think I really noticed where I was specifically. Probably because the main reason I was there was to see my partner. I did have such a good time and I enjoyed doing everything we did in Cincinnati, mainly because of who I was doing them with!

I decided to go to Cincinnati two days early-- on Monday, April 28th, instead of Wednesday, April 30th which was such a good idea because I was so ready to leave New York City. I was itching to leave every day for a couple weeks before I left. I found that this is something I always do-- wanting to leave where I am to somewhere different. I swear, I should be a professional adventurer, journalist, photographer, archaeologist. hehe. Just like now I'm itching to be in Cincinnati. The only time I don't itch to be somewhere else is being with Jen. It feels right, like home.

So....to start off this wonderful trip I arrived Monday and was so tired, those long bus trips are something else. They are so trying...I always feel so accomplished when I get to my destination. Like I climbed Mount Everest or something :) During my stay I saw so many beautiful sides of Cincinnati and Kentucky. We did things like visit museums like the Cincinnati Art Museum and the Taft Museum. They were both different experiences...I loved seeing the artwork with Jen and seeing the paintings and what not through her eyes. The Taft Museum may become one of my favorite spots in Cincinnati, we went on a free Wednesday....it is a huge mansion with artifacts and objects making it into a living historical house. The rooms are small and mischievous....I almost felt as if we were inside the game Clue. On the first floor there is a little tea room/cafe which was so cute and elegant. I would love to have a little birthday lunch or breakfast with a great friend there.

We spent a lot of time walking outdoors which was great for both of us. We went to Eden Park one day when we went to the Cincinnati Art Museum and ate lunch by a big fountain. We also went to Krohn's Conservatory where we saw the annual butterfly show. We took a day trip to Kincaid Lake one day which was great. We packed a picnic, including a strawberry Panzanella we cooked the day before. I must say I love cooking with Jen. It's great fun being in the kitchen together, splitting up the tasks, and helping each other in little ways. So we spread out a blanket by the water and had our picnic...we also brought along an art book and looked through that together. Before lunch we took a walk down a trail, which was one of the beautiful sites I've ever seen. My idea of true beauty is the "enchanted forest" hehe....where there are dew drops, glistening streams of sun, flowing water, animals, insects....

We also spent time with a number of Jen's friends, which was so great. Half of them I have met before and half of them not. So it was really wonderful. Seeing all of them was wonderful. We had dinner at Myra's, our favorite restaurant, with friends Regina and Paul and then saw a good movie after that at Esquire Theater-- My Blueberry Nights. I loved the movie, it was perfect for such a rich dreamy vacation with Jen. The images and the soundtrack were just so...tasty. hehe....We also had dinner at Amol's India with Jen's brother. I like him a lot. He's so cute, nice, creative...And then spent a great evening with Jen's mother. Jen's mom made us dinner that tasted SO GOOD. I'm not sure if it tasted so good because of the actual food- that I can believe- but also I think because her mom made it for us. Then we played a game of Scrabble while eating yummy desserts and watched the tv show House. My last night in Cincinnati we saw her friend Joel and his roommate Brad. They are so much fun and nice. We played video games, ate, talked, Joel showed us his artwork....it was fun.

Also, another thing I did in Cincinnati I really liked was go to church with Jen. Her church is great-- the people in it, the preacher, it is also very pretty with stained glass windows. Afterwards there was a reception, I get nervous around lot's of people socializing but it was nice and we ate yummy cupcakes.

The trip on the bus from Cincinnati to Ames was quite nice (aside from the fact that I missed Jen so much)...the buses were pretty empty so I had the seat next to me free most of the time and so slept a lot. When I wasn't sleeping I gazed out the window to the landscapes or read. Of course I thought all was fine, except that when I got off the bus I wasn't used to solid ground and lost balance almost toppling over hehe...and then I thought I was rested but fell asleep around 9pm here.

Now I have great memories of our trip together but I feel the blues sometimes when I think about Jen because I want so much for us to be together and I want to see her again. It was like a 10 day tease. In a good way...I miss her though.

Mother's day....

This day, Mother's Day, has always been a very hard day for me. My mother passed away when I was 12 and every year I seem to hide myself away and cry for at least part of the day. That is how I begun the day this year as well. My dad's family went to church and then planned to go to a pizza restaurant for Mother's Day. I didn't go with them...my initial reaction was to blame myself and tell myself I should have gone with them. But then I realized that I have been blamed and "shoulded" for much of my life unfairly by abusive family members and decided that I am not going to internalize that and add to it from myself. At least I can control my own actions. So I decided to let it go and give myself grace. There is nothing wrong with the way I feel and my action. I need to support and nurture myself, especially on such a difficult day.

So instead of continuing to spend the day crying, I decided from now on I'm going to celebrate my mother's life and her motherhood on Mother's Day. I would like to create a little assembly of flowers, candle, and photo to honor her. I don't have these things right now, and I don't need them. Instead, what counts, are the memories to honor. So I will spend a few moments today thinking about what a wonderful person she was, what she gave to others and the world around her, and importantly, what she gave me: her daughter. This blog entry is for Ania Lydia Pate, who will never die in my mind and whose spirit and soul will last forever.

When we lose something, we make room for something new

Today I am leaving New York City...I feel a strange sensation of going away from the past three months living here and moving into a cloud of the unknown. That makes me feel excited, relieved, nervous, and determined. I ended up withdrawing from my courses at NYU and not finishing the semester, which in a way makes me feel like I wasted a lot of time and money but in another way I feel like I learned some very important lessons about my life...is it worth $15,000? Well, I guess I can't put a price tag on it. At least it happened. Maybe I was meant to come here in order to find these lessons.

I have now decided that 1. I'm not going to move to a new place frivolously until I find out everything about the opportunity waiting and consider my options seriously before making a decision, 2. Wherever I move to next, I will make my home- no matter where it is at. I will not live out of my boxes and on an air mattress for weeks or months at a time, 3. I will value myself, treat myself with respect, allow myself to experience goodness, and cultivate my passions, 4. I will not start another master's degree or degree program I need to pay for (including free-floating non-degree classes), 5. Constantly keep my eye on what counts for my career and personal life, 6. Give myself time everyday to let go of all worries and tensions, coming back to reality with a clear perspective, 7. Maintain healthy and enriching relationships with my friends and family, 8. Work to open my heart to others, no matter how I judge their goodness-- after all that is just my judgement and does not speak to who they really are, it speaks to who I am.

It is funny how I expect fireworks to go off or something to mark this change in my life. When actually the change is happening much slower and subtly, while just going on with my normal everday routines of living. The remarkable things, I suppose, I'll see over time in this case. My efforts at moving to a different place in my life will just accumulate into something that takes a shape over time. I need to be patient.

Ella Fitzgerald's Birthday

Today is Ella Fitzgerald's Birthday...she was born on April 25th, 1917. Happy Birthday Ella! I absolutely love her music...this is the perfect day to listen to her as well. It's sunny and bright and this street block is filled with trees, flowers, and blossoms.

A couple days ago I took a very long walk through Prospect Park, and I found this little hidden space with what looked like little pools drained of water and filled with spring time things like petals and blossoms. There were trees with long reaching branches. As I walked around the space, there petals fell from trees, it looked so magical. The spot reminded me of the movie Legend, where Tom Cruise's character dives into a pool of water to get the ring Lily throws in. At least before the demons come, I always thought that was the prettiest scene of any movie I've seen. I used to be a huge unicorn fan when I was younger...actually a fan of any mythical creature, but definitely unicorns.

Six-month Anniversary and Circle Line Tours

Today is the six-month anniversary of my sweetie and I. Yesterday we had a wonderful date night/six-month anniversary idea of writing a list of all the things we like about eachother and then sharing them with eachother. It was a wonderful and special time...I learned a lot about my feelings for her and some things she thinks about me. As I wrote about things I love and appreciate about her, I found myself on a roll...and loving it. It kind of dug up some great feelings within me and letting them go and writing about them was really wonderful.

This morning I met my friend Howard and we got to spend the day together, which was great because we haven't seen eachother for such a long time. I moved away from San Francisco about a year and a half ago and it has been since then, since we have seen eachother. His family is from the New York City area so sometimes we see eachother when we are both here at the same time.

So today we went on a Circle Line Tour around the Manhattan island. It was a really great boat ride, relaxing, and so interesting as there was a person providing descriptions and information about New York City. I think the gentle swaying of the boat almost put me to sleep though, truthfully. hehe.

Then my friend Howard and I had lunch together. I had a pomegranate sweet chicken sandwich, vinegar and salt chips, and pomegranate juice. It was so delicious.

India-- I love you.

There is truly nothing more beautiful than classical Indian devotional music, especially with the tabla. I can literally enter something like a trance, or a higher meditative state, listening to it. Go on and on.....sigh. I have always felt the most at home with Indian culture-- including music, spirituality, food, people, friends, oh my the list goes on with no stop. And I'm not thinking of Indian culture within the fabric of America. India.

I wish I could give myself to India. I did promise a friend once I would work for uplifting people there, in that continent. I hope to follow-through with that promise and find a way to do that one day.

Blossoms, blossoms, and more blossoms.

It's so beautiful outside, walking down the street I feel like I'm going through a cloud of white blossoms. It's truly a magical, colorful, bright time of year and I really appreciate Spring now. We are in the heart of Spring, and it feels so good.

I am going to work on my policy portfolio today. Which means I need to look up some acts/articles/legislature and come up with some ideas and themes. I think once I start getting into it this afternoon I will start to feel better about the project. I'm horrible about accomplishing things under pressure sometimes, I run the other way. One of my friends once told me that under pressure and deadlines she falls asleep. She will literally instantaneously fall asleep for hours in the peak of things.

Anyway, it's a gorgeous day outside and there are so many things to be thankful for.

A way through everything...

I realized today that sometimes it seems like I encounter stumbling blocks, and I feel suffocated, as if there is no way out. But I realized with effort there is. There is a way out. And that way out, is letting the steam out from inside and transforming the negative pressure it creates inside to positive constructive energy.

Today, I did this by taking a deep breath and focusing my energy to the center of my head...rubbing my eyes and face. And then realizing what I need to do: finish my application to University of Cincinnati to the PhD program. God knows I wanted to just sit there and pretend the world was ending. But mechanically at first (without my heart and attention) I just proceeded with my day and with my work and then I realized that is how it should be. Everything goes on....

Then I took a bath and completely relaxed and let my tension out.

See, there are ways to rejuvinate and appreciate life again!

I also thought about my partner, and how she has been so incredibly supportive. I don't know how she does it sometimes, with my twists and turns in emotions and moods... but she's always there for me. And I appreciate that to no end.

There are many people in my life who are supportive in me as a person and who I love and cherish. My friend Shehreen, who has such a kind heart and who has been there so immeasurably that I am so grateful to her. My sister, who I have a very rocky and one of the most meaningful relationships with. She has been such a great sister and is one of the most important people in my life. Also, my dad who is also a very kind soul and is always there for me. Other friends (Cherise and Naomi-- I heart you!) Betty- who calls me every weekend to check up on me. She has almost done this since high school. My aunt, uncle, and three cousins in Berlin who are like my second family.

So the point is that it is easy to take people in your life for granted or not rely on the love you give eachother. But this love and what we share are so important. You are not alone, there are people thinking about you and sending well wishes your way....and I'm sure you do the same. :)

...where do you hear jazz?

I just went to the corner store to get ice cream, and the man at the counter ran my credit card and as it was making sounds processing the card, he said: "Is there a sound better than a credit card machine? It sounds like an old man weeping."

Only in New York City.

Another thing I miss about New York City is that last time I was here I used to hear trumpet music coming from someone's apartment (I never identified which one) near ours coming through the window. Every day after I got home from work around 5pm....and sometimes if I was there during the day I would also hear it. That person must have played hours every day.

So jazz...I would like to visit this small old jazz club in Harlem, EZ's Woodshed. Here is a painting from their website of the jazz musician Thelonius Monk.

Not taking for granted, anything.

The last few days have been tough (p.s. I think I'm going to have my period very soon) and I would like to work on my decisions starting right now. One good thing I did, and that I was scared to do, was call a job that I had started working in after my break and talk to the manager who trained me this morning to tell her I decided not to continue with the job.

I have learned especially lately how things have really scared me in life and that I would like to be more brave. More brave in trusting in the person I love and our relationship, more brave in confronting people and telling them how I feel, more brave in making steps in my career and in things I love. I have to give myself understanding that given my experiences, I have formed coping mechanisms that I need to reshape consciously.

I have also thought about today how nothing should be taken for granted. And that all of our actions will affect others and the energy of the universe in some way. Ways we do not know of...therefore I need to not do things to expect something in return, but do things to project positive energy into the universe and know that something or someone somewhere will be affected.

I also thought today about how I would like to use my talents more in the work I do, and the knowledge I have. I don't think about sometimes that Hey, I have a master's degree in public health, I have a lot of knowledge that could help people. I need to find a way to contribute that to people. I have laid stagnant and confused for a long time now, understandably, but I'm ready now to rekindle my passions. Of course a romantic passion has been rekindled for a long time, thanks to one beautiful person. But now I would like to rekindle other passions for public health, inequalities, international issues, music, drawing and photography and so on. I need to realize how important they are. I will not take these for granted.

I have a lot of energies and great things to contribute to the world, and even if I only make the step to read some articles on social justice/ international health issues, write an email to a friend to let them know how much I care about them, post a nice comment on someone's blog, write a short story on a topic I care about, pray or write a poem for someone-- there is no thought or deed too small.

Drawing...

Some things in life are sweet.

Today walking home from class I saw a couple, two mature women with whitish/gray hair, sitting on the front stoop of a brooklyn brownstone home...they looked like the perfect complement and like they had been together since they were 16 years old. I gave them a smile as I passed and had a bounce in my step the rest of the way home. I just hope I too end up sitting on the front stoop with a special someone on the first beautiful warm spring day of the year.

Good day!

I would like to write about a very good day I just had :) I know that I have had a lot of struggles lately and my blogs have not been positive, but I am proud to say this one is.

* Today I received several great emails. I heard back from the director of the PhD program in Sociology at University of Cincinnati and he is letting me apply for Fall 2008 and will help on my behalf. Yay. Then I heard back from someone at the Lower East Side Tenement Museum that he has paid work he can give me to work on at home like audio and photo editing. I have been looking for a part-time job so that is fantastic news. And then he actually sent the first set of work to me!
* After working well at the library I got a delicious lunch of cabbage mint salad (my favorite), curry chickpeas with apples and red onions, cumin chips, and a lemonade. I am still realing on how good it was.
* I followed up well on a job application I sent out awhile ago on the phone that led to setting up an interview for tomorrow.
* I am loving my sweetie even more than ever, if possible.

:o)

I think this day gives me hope, that not everything is bad.

Decisions and decisions...

I've realized that life is a series of choices and decisions. Life is not all about destiny. Our lives are made up of small choices in decisions. And it's easy to undervalue or be less mindful in those times, thinking that what we do doesn't really matter. It does.

And I'm going to start by realizing that more is in my control than I thought. Ruminating will not get me anywhere, complaining, and feeling negative will not accomplish anything. But thinking more positively and proactively--- like, how can I make a change for the better? or what can I do to bring more happiness into my life? Keeping an open mind is also essential.

My future is based on the decisions I make now and will not hit me in an epiphany in the middle of the night. That is being lazy just waiting for the perfect answers to come to me. I need to make them. That's not to say that I can't take a break and spend more time getting to know myself and my options. That can be a goal and a good decision in itself.

Accept all

I have been thinking about this idea today on my trip home on the subway. Lot's of things that people do bother me and I used to stay in a bad mood for hours thinking about how that other person has done something bad or wrong. And I was thinking today that I need to concentrate on my life and being happy. What other people do to me is not my concern beyond the way I react to her or him in that moment. I cannot control who this person is and the things that she or he does. Instead it is important to allow that person to be her or himself. They have many different traits, behaviors, and sides. The point of the world is not to try to make everyone be like you, because that would be also taking away all the special things other people give away to the world.

The good comes with the bad, and it is my aim to just let people be who they are and stop disturbing myself with it. Instead I want to challenge myself to understand them. To see what they see through their eyes. And then what they say and do probably makes sense and maybe should not be any different. If I look through my eyes, of course it will seem off. But their eyes and soul and not my own and not mine to change or possess.

I'm starting to realize that yes, there are people I care about in my life who mistreat me. Who ignore me. Who abuse me in different ways. This is the tip of the ice burg in our world. I've come to embrace (not warmly) all the atrocities and flaws humans have. It does not mean they are right or that we should not fight against them. But to recognize they are real, they are happening, and to accept them. If we do not accept them, then the rest cannot be done and we will destroy ourselves. Look into the eye of the horror, that is how we transcend it.

I find it easier to type into a blog than write in a diary lately. The only difference is that this is not as private. But I don't really care :o)

I struggled so much this morning in finishing my midterm, without even mentioning last night! It was horrible last night...I sat down with my midterm in anguish for about 4 and a half hours before I started to type on my computer or read. It was frustruating. Maybe a writer's block? Anyway, I did finish it-- I'm not sure how good it is and how complete. I'm not too savy or interested in studying policy. I get lost in the gargons and legal words.

I finished it though, printed it, and turned it in! yay me!! I'm proud of myself. That is something that everyone needs, I think. To feel proud of themselves. :) I'm proud of you, too. By the way.

Now, I am reading Pigs in Heaven by Barbara Kingsolver. I'm a huge huge fan of hers. This book is a really great story about a child from the Cherokee nation who was adopted and her parents want her back. It's about the struggle and disenfranchisement of Native American communities as well. I like where the title comes from- it originates from a Native American myth about turning one's back on community, which turns that person into a pig in heaven.

On other thoughts, I'm trying to decide what I want to do this summer. And whether I want to continue with my program here or take a leap of faith and go to Iowa. One minute I sway towards Iowa and the next, to stay here. I feel as if I should make myself go to Iowa. To save money (in case a recession comes? I don't know why I feel like I need to save money for the recession, kind of like feeling like I need food stored for a storm.) And I feel like I should do a PhD. I keep thinking, I should do a PhD, I should do it. Is it really coming from deep inside me? I don't know...many other people are saying I should do it as well. Namely my sister, girlfriend, dad, a couple friends. It's true that I am inclined to that type of "inquiry" mindset that is true to research. At the same time I think social work is SO important, and I can't even imagine myself doing a PhD in public health without a background in social work. It's almost like discounting people as people and treating them as numbers.

Today, I talked with my friend Shehreen and realized something. And that is that our emotions do not necessarily say anything about our lives. These reactions can be deceiving and intense. For example, I was telling Shehreen how I am feeling lonely in my apartment. And she responded, "You just got there! It could change."

In the past, I have absolutely loved things at first that I slowly grew to feel uncomfortable and unhappy in. Maybe in more challenging circumstances, I try harder to improve my situation and 1. don't form expectations that can be let down and 2. take appreciation into working towards improvement. Anyway, just like the good has a lesser good side, the lesser good can have a good side. It seems like I only appreciate the good when it is obviously present instead of finding the good in a situation where it is less obvious.

So in my decision whether to leave the program and go to Iowa. Am I escaping instead of trying hard to make it through here, or am I actually making a hard decision that will be best for me in the longer term but is not appealing to me right now? In the latter, I would actually escape the difficult by staying here.

But then again, I came here for a reason. To start the Master of Social Work program for a reason. Why? Because I wanted to help people, practice public health, and work in the health field with direct practice work. So why don't I do that? What is the problem that I am constantly thinking about? Is it just not feeling comfortable in New York and again wanting to change like I have been doing for the past two years. Running away from myself and my life instead of building it from the ground up? Maybe, but then again it is difficult to have a life in New York City of all places, it is rough, overcrowded, intense. I have been putting so much time into trying to think and I feel like nothing is coming out. No thought or decisions....what does that mean? Maybe it is anxiety around the decision-making. I don't see, though, how going to Iowa can really be that bad. Of course, I won't be near my sister and other people...but I might find a job somewhere closer. And besides, these social work classes have really helped me understand my interests and myself more. They weren't a waste.

And I need to put things into more of a positive perspective. Going to Iowa could be a great opportunity to explore PhD and other school programs, art programs in Ames (where my family lives). I simply don't know. What happens when we don't know? We pick something that is not necessarily the best. Maybe there is no best, each sides have pros and cons and in the end it is not the end of the world any way we turn. Life is a tapestry made from the thread we trail behind. I all too often try to make the tapestry in one full swoop, just to have the security that I know what it looks like and that there will be no flaws. Instead I need to embrace the flaws, it shows life, that a human was there. And anyway, this tapestry is so much more beatiful and creative.

I know Jen, major overshare :-)

Reframing to positive

I've decided that for one week everyday I will write a blog post reframing my life for the positive. I will only discuss and process the positive aspects of my life. Let's see how the experiment goes...

For today,

I managed to clean and move from my old place to my new one very efficiently. Everything went smoothly, from loading and unloading the taxi to getting into my new apartment. Then my wonderful new roommate was very welcoming and we sat in our living room drinking coffee (which she offered me) together. She is an intensely creative person yet very subtle and soft. She pointed to a tree in an open space behind our apartment, and said it is the Ailanthus tree- written about in A Tree Grows in Brooklyn. It means "Tree of heaven" and is known for growing in delapitated urban spaces. Its knickname is poverty tree and grows between the cracks of concrete, reaching for the heavens. I think this is the sign that no matter where I am at, there is always a chance to reach for the heavens. Even in the most unexpected places.

The apartment has wonderful artistry. Works of art decorate every corner and space. Michelle, my roommate, has many collections that are interesting- like doors, chairs, and window frames inside her apartment.

I got to the apartment expecting no wireless, because Michelle has not ordered it yet but I am able to connect to someone else's wireless for now. Wahoo!

I walked to the drug store and grocery store, getting the necessities I need including band-aids and ointment for my cut hand.

Now, I'm eating a quiet dinner and about to read a book while I finish eating. It's my first dinner in this apartment that feels like home more than any other place I have staid in for the past couple months, probably because the room is completely empty and mine to fill up with my own personality. After dinner I may take a bath and then read more for my classes.

And one person is warming my heart. Constantly :-) I love you Jen.

Townhouse flowers...

I just moved to a new apartment today, in a neighborhood I adore...my favorite neighborhood in nyc I think. I feel very happy that I managed to find an apartment here, but I'm not sure how long I'll be able to stay. I'm contemplating many things right now including whether to drop out of my expensive program and live in Iowa. I feel like I'm on the tips of my toes just waiting for the shock of the decision. I don't want to make the decision to go to Iowa but part of me feels that it is the only option if I can't find a job here soon.

I feel like I'm in total limbo, not willing to enter either place completely: staying here or leaving.

But I really noticed today how flowers are starting to bloom everywhere. Taking a walk down our street, I saw these white flowers by the sidewalk next to someone's home. The yards are starting to take life with these blossoms everywhere I turn. I have never really been a spring person before, but now I'm noticing the colors, blooming, warmer temperatures and appreciating them.

New baby....

My cousin just had a baby, named Alex. Looking at the pictures he sent me just gave me a sense of something wonderful happening in the world. With all the clouds over my life right now, across the world in Poland there is a little family growing and a wonderous thing that is moving his arms and legs now.

Here is a photo he sent me.

Whose rules?

I am working on a midterm and thinking about how I always expect to follow the rules. And when I don't seem to do that, I feel uncomfortable and I don't allow myself the risk of exploring, settling, and living beyond those boundaries. In the first place, I am not quite fair feeding those rules to myself. Most of these rules come from the standards of mainstream society and expectations of others who have different morals, personalities, and ideals-- without considering my own particular needs.

I think this is partly why I feel so much guilt. Guilt around my career which seems to be going nowhere or backwards, instead of following the rules of always having a steady job and progressing in a career. Guilt around not eating healthy or not making new friends. The list goes on and on. And then I am left unhappy and feeling that my life is worthless.I need to give more self-love and appreciation. Everyone deserves this.

Four things I love.

I enjoy:

1. Listening to piano music
2. Farmer's markets
3. Prospect Park
4. Waning sunlight as evening approaches

How can life be so bad? I have been able to experience the above four loves of mine today.

Hope and believing

I just talked to my friend Betty from high school I had not talked to in awhile and explained my confusion, challenges, and malaise with my career and job search and she had very supportive advice. Listening to her made me feel much better.

I realized from talking to her that I can work on a couple things. One is believing in myself. I've learned that is the most important ingredient in a job search-- self care, love, and belief. With that, anything can happen. I put a lot of strain into what is going to happen in the future, when I don't know what is happening in the present. Therefore, I want to focus more on what is happening on the present, which the future builds upon.

And loving myself no matter how many rejections I receive is important. No one can truly reject me except for me. And we have control of that.

I've missed thinking about my whole life and situation in another light. Full of love and support--- thinking about the stories of other people. Knowing and thinking about the similar experiences and hardships of others and that they got through them to the other side. That will be one of my steps to hope I think.

Trusting in myself and that even without a set career presently, I can still define myself. I still have loves, passion, knowledge. All that is still inside me. And I can still declare my career. I still have one without being in a job or grand position. I have lived with my standards and expectations too high. I am setting myself up for sadness by always raising my expectations further than I am. It's easy to set an illusionary expectation. Now I need to work on pursuing what I love. And trusting in the process. Trusting in myself. I have read that the bulk of the career search is looking inside ourselves. My sister even suggested that on the phone today. (I don't like to admit when she is right)

I thought I knew what I loved to do during my Master of Public Health degree. I was on a track of going to Kenya and International Health. And then I left that "world" and entered an unknown and dispassionate place. But there is nothing to say that I don't have the sparks left inside me. I constantly try to dim them. It's easier not to love. Not to take risks in what we love, watching our dreams grow or get shattered. That is a tumultuous and potentially the most rewarding process.

Maybe I need to take more risks, instead of running away.

I also need to realize that I will get different advice and responses from different people, and think about why that is and understand where different people are coming from. And not get disheartened. My sister will always support a direct, agressive, no-frills route and get upset by deviations from that. She is self-righteous and it makes sense. I cannot expect anything else from her given who she is. I have friends who are loving and supportive of the time it has taken me. The ultimate judge is myself though. For I have to live with myself 24-7. And I need to work how I judge myself, God knows.

Farmer's market walk

When I walked to the farmer's market this morning, I noticed this cute house! It has a red heart painted on the side. I got apples and a ricotta portabella wheat turnover at the Prospect Park farmer's market to take home with me. A yummy lunch!

Tuesday

Jen's last day.

We tried to get as much as we could out of the time we had together this day. Her bus didn't leave until 11:15 pm so we had the whole day to linger over eachother. We watched No Reservations in the morning, one of my favorite movies, and took a walk along the Brooklyn Heights Promenade which was so beautiful. The weather was mild and sunny.

I saw these images on the ground-- the first one says "Got Torture?" and the other two are images of the Manhattan skyline from the Promenade in different time periods. The first in 1776 and the second in 2001.

Monday

Monday morning Jen and I wanted to take a ferry to the Statue of Liberty and Ellis Island, but after waiting in line for quite a while we realized the wait would be around an hour or more so we decided to walk uptown to Ground Zero and to the Tribute WTC 9/11 Visitor Center which was such an incredible experience.

I didn't know what to expect but thought that I knew everything about the event because of the media and stories that have been circulating for the past several years. In fact, I knew little to nothing of what happened and to the people who were directly affected.

Seeing pieces of clothing and artifacts brought a tactile dimension I could have never imagined...making the whole thing more real of course. I also never realized that all of the emergency workers (i.e. fire fighters) involved in the rescue efforts have died out of lung cancer, leukemia, and other illnesses.

What also touched me in this museum were seeing the event of 9/11 through the eyes of children. We saw a lot of children art projects in the museum containing so many thoughts of love and peace, opposite to the adult views of revenge, war, death. I thought that was interesting. Below I'll share some of these art pieces.

Then we walked to Times Square and other places around Manhattan. It was nice to be there with Jen as she experienced everything about New York City that I have taken for granted by now.