Hope and believing

I just talked to my friend Betty from high school I had not talked to in awhile and explained my confusion, challenges, and malaise with my career and job search and she had very supportive advice. Listening to her made me feel much better.

I realized from talking to her that I can work on a couple things. One is believing in myself. I've learned that is the most important ingredient in a job search-- self care, love, and belief. With that, anything can happen. I put a lot of strain into what is going to happen in the future, when I don't know what is happening in the present. Therefore, I want to focus more on what is happening on the present, which the future builds upon.

And loving myself no matter how many rejections I receive is important. No one can truly reject me except for me. And we have control of that.

I've missed thinking about my whole life and situation in another light. Full of love and support--- thinking about the stories of other people. Knowing and thinking about the similar experiences and hardships of others and that they got through them to the other side. That will be one of my steps to hope I think.

Trusting in myself and that even without a set career presently, I can still define myself. I still have loves, passion, knowledge. All that is still inside me. And I can still declare my career. I still have one without being in a job or grand position. I have lived with my standards and expectations too high. I am setting myself up for sadness by always raising my expectations further than I am. It's easy to set an illusionary expectation. Now I need to work on pursuing what I love. And trusting in the process. Trusting in myself. I have read that the bulk of the career search is looking inside ourselves. My sister even suggested that on the phone today. (I don't like to admit when she is right)

I thought I knew what I loved to do during my Master of Public Health degree. I was on a track of going to Kenya and International Health. And then I left that "world" and entered an unknown and dispassionate place. But there is nothing to say that I don't have the sparks left inside me. I constantly try to dim them. It's easier not to love. Not to take risks in what we love, watching our dreams grow or get shattered. That is a tumultuous and potentially the most rewarding process.

Maybe I need to take more risks, instead of running away.

I also need to realize that I will get different advice and responses from different people, and think about why that is and understand where different people are coming from. And not get disheartened. My sister will always support a direct, agressive, no-frills route and get upset by deviations from that. She is self-righteous and it makes sense. I cannot expect anything else from her given who she is. I have friends who are loving and supportive of the time it has taken me. The ultimate judge is myself though. For I have to live with myself 24-7. And I need to work how I judge myself, God knows.