I took my usual afternoon walk in Prospect park, which is such a release. It is a time where I can separate from all anxieties and just walk through the wind and open space. And that is usually the time when sensible ideas and lucid thoughts appear. When I do even have them.
So today, again I thought about my career and jobs and how much stress and strain I make in my life trying to find the perfect job or opportunity right now. And some strain comes from also trying to figure everything out all the time. I dig and dig for answers instead of giving myself a chance to create them. The answers will not come from another source, they will come from me, and even so there are no answers. Rather this is my life now and I need to not try to escape from it.
Instead, I have given myself permission to just be. To take my life moment to moment...it is okay that I don't know where I am going to. Whether I want to stay in the social work program, and worrying about past potentially lost opportunities, thinking about times when I gave up or looked to the other side of the fence where I thought the grass is greener. Those thoughts are not beneficial and I cannot use them to control my life now. What I can do is look at my life as it is now and make the best possible decisions for myself as I am now, and not as I was a year or two ago.
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