Today, I talked with my friend Shehreen and realized something. And that is that our emotions do not necessarily say anything about our lives. These reactions can be deceiving and intense. For example, I was telling Shehreen how I am feeling lonely in my apartment. And she responded, "You just got there! It could change."

In the past, I have absolutely loved things at first that I slowly grew to feel uncomfortable and unhappy in. Maybe in more challenging circumstances, I try harder to improve my situation and 1. don't form expectations that can be let down and 2. take appreciation into working towards improvement. Anyway, just like the good has a lesser good side, the lesser good can have a good side. It seems like I only appreciate the good when it is obviously present instead of finding the good in a situation where it is less obvious.

So in my decision whether to leave the program and go to Iowa. Am I escaping instead of trying hard to make it through here, or am I actually making a hard decision that will be best for me in the longer term but is not appealing to me right now? In the latter, I would actually escape the difficult by staying here.

But then again, I came here for a reason. To start the Master of Social Work program for a reason. Why? Because I wanted to help people, practice public health, and work in the health field with direct practice work. So why don't I do that? What is the problem that I am constantly thinking about? Is it just not feeling comfortable in New York and again wanting to change like I have been doing for the past two years. Running away from myself and my life instead of building it from the ground up? Maybe, but then again it is difficult to have a life in New York City of all places, it is rough, overcrowded, intense. I have been putting so much time into trying to think and I feel like nothing is coming out. No thought or decisions....what does that mean? Maybe it is anxiety around the decision-making. I don't see, though, how going to Iowa can really be that bad. Of course, I won't be near my sister and other people...but I might find a job somewhere closer. And besides, these social work classes have really helped me understand my interests and myself more. They weren't a waste.

And I need to put things into more of a positive perspective. Going to Iowa could be a great opportunity to explore PhD and other school programs, art programs in Ames (where my family lives). I simply don't know. What happens when we don't know? We pick something that is not necessarily the best. Maybe there is no best, each sides have pros and cons and in the end it is not the end of the world any way we turn. Life is a tapestry made from the thread we trail behind. I all too often try to make the tapestry in one full swoop, just to have the security that I know what it looks like and that there will be no flaws. Instead I need to embrace the flaws, it shows life, that a human was there. And anyway, this tapestry is so much more beatiful and creative.

I know Jen, major overshare :-)