Mother's day....

This day, Mother's Day, has always been a very hard day for me. My mother passed away when I was 12 and every year I seem to hide myself away and cry for at least part of the day. That is how I begun the day this year as well. My dad's family went to church and then planned to go to a pizza restaurant for Mother's Day. I didn't go with them...my initial reaction was to blame myself and tell myself I should have gone with them. But then I realized that I have been blamed and "shoulded" for much of my life unfairly by abusive family members and decided that I am not going to internalize that and add to it from myself. At least I can control my own actions. So I decided to let it go and give myself grace. There is nothing wrong with the way I feel and my action. I need to support and nurture myself, especially on such a difficult day.

So instead of continuing to spend the day crying, I decided from now on I'm going to celebrate my mother's life and her motherhood on Mother's Day. I would like to create a little assembly of flowers, candle, and photo to honor her. I don't have these things right now, and I don't need them. Instead, what counts, are the memories to honor. So I will spend a few moments today thinking about what a wonderful person she was, what she gave to others and the world around her, and importantly, what she gave me: her daughter. This blog entry is for Ania Lydia Pate, who will never die in my mind and whose spirit and soul will last forever.