I've realized that life is a series of choices and decisions. Life is not all about destiny. Our lives are made up of small choices in decisions. And it's easy to undervalue or be less mindful in those times, thinking that what we do doesn't really matter. It does.
And I'm going to start by realizing that more is in my control than I thought. Ruminating will not get me anywhere, complaining, and feeling negative will not accomplish anything. But thinking more positively and proactively--- like, how can I make a change for the better? or what can I do to bring more happiness into my life? Keeping an open mind is also essential.
My future is based on the decisions I make now and will not hit me in an epiphany in the middle of the night. That is being lazy just waiting for the perfect answers to come to me. I need to make them. That's not to say that I can't take a break and spend more time getting to know myself and my options. That can be a goal and a good decision in itself.
Sunday, April 6, 2008
Friday, April 4, 2008
Accept all
I have been thinking about this idea today on my trip home on the subway. Lot's of things that people do bother me and I used to stay in a bad mood for hours thinking about how that other person has done something bad or wrong. And I was thinking today that I need to concentrate on my life and being happy. What other people do to me is not my concern beyond the way I react to her or him in that moment. I cannot control who this person is and the things that she or he does. Instead it is important to allow that person to be her or himself. They have many different traits, behaviors, and sides. The point of the world is not to try to make everyone be like you, because that would be also taking away all the special things other people give away to the world.
The good comes with the bad, and it is my aim to just let people be who they are and stop disturbing myself with it. Instead I want to challenge myself to understand them. To see what they see through their eyes. And then what they say and do probably makes sense and maybe should not be any different. If I look through my eyes, of course it will seem off. But their eyes and soul and not my own and not mine to change or possess.
I'm starting to realize that yes, there are people I care about in my life who mistreat me. Who ignore me. Who abuse me in different ways. This is the tip of the ice burg in our world. I've come to embrace (not warmly) all the atrocities and flaws humans have. It does not mean they are right or that we should not fight against them. But to recognize they are real, they are happening, and to accept them. If we do not accept them, then the rest cannot be done and we will destroy ourselves. Look into the eye of the horror, that is how we transcend it.
The good comes with the bad, and it is my aim to just let people be who they are and stop disturbing myself with it. Instead I want to challenge myself to understand them. To see what they see through their eyes. And then what they say and do probably makes sense and maybe should not be any different. If I look through my eyes, of course it will seem off. But their eyes and soul and not my own and not mine to change or possess.
I'm starting to realize that yes, there are people I care about in my life who mistreat me. Who ignore me. Who abuse me in different ways. This is the tip of the ice burg in our world. I've come to embrace (not warmly) all the atrocities and flaws humans have. It does not mean they are right or that we should not fight against them. But to recognize they are real, they are happening, and to accept them. If we do not accept them, then the rest cannot be done and we will destroy ourselves. Look into the eye of the horror, that is how we transcend it.
Thursday, April 3, 2008
I find it easier to type into a blog than write in a diary lately. The only difference is that this is not as private. But I don't really care :o)
I struggled so much this morning in finishing my midterm, without even mentioning last night! It was horrible last night...I sat down with my midterm in anguish for about 4 and a half hours before I started to type on my computer or read. It was frustruating. Maybe a writer's block? Anyway, I did finish it-- I'm not sure how good it is and how complete. I'm not too savy or interested in studying policy. I get lost in the gargons and legal words.
I finished it though, printed it, and turned it in! yay me!! I'm proud of myself. That is something that everyone needs, I think. To feel proud of themselves. :) I'm proud of you, too. By the way.
Now, I am reading Pigs in Heaven by Barbara Kingsolver. I'm a huge huge fan of hers. This book is a really great story about a child from the Cherokee nation who was adopted and her parents want her back. It's about the struggle and disenfranchisement of Native American communities as well. I like where the title comes from- it originates from a Native American myth about turning one's back on community, which turns that person into a pig in heaven.
On other thoughts, I'm trying to decide what I want to do this summer. And whether I want to continue with my program here or take a leap of faith and go to Iowa. One minute I sway towards Iowa and the next, to stay here. I feel as if I should make myself go to Iowa. To save money (in case a recession comes? I don't know why I feel like I need to save money for the recession, kind of like feeling like I need food stored for a storm.) And I feel like I should do a PhD. I keep thinking, I should do a PhD, I should do it. Is it really coming from deep inside me? I don't know...many other people are saying I should do it as well. Namely my sister, girlfriend, dad, a couple friends. It's true that I am inclined to that type of "inquiry" mindset that is true to research. At the same time I think social work is SO important, and I can't even imagine myself doing a PhD in public health without a background in social work. It's almost like discounting people as people and treating them as numbers.
I struggled so much this morning in finishing my midterm, without even mentioning last night! It was horrible last night...I sat down with my midterm in anguish for about 4 and a half hours before I started to type on my computer or read. It was frustruating. Maybe a writer's block? Anyway, I did finish it-- I'm not sure how good it is and how complete. I'm not too savy or interested in studying policy. I get lost in the gargons and legal words.
I finished it though, printed it, and turned it in! yay me!! I'm proud of myself. That is something that everyone needs, I think. To feel proud of themselves. :) I'm proud of you, too. By the way.
Now, I am reading Pigs in Heaven by Barbara Kingsolver. I'm a huge huge fan of hers. This book is a really great story about a child from the Cherokee nation who was adopted and her parents want her back. It's about the struggle and disenfranchisement of Native American communities as well. I like where the title comes from- it originates from a Native American myth about turning one's back on community, which turns that person into a pig in heaven.
On other thoughts, I'm trying to decide what I want to do this summer. And whether I want to continue with my program here or take a leap of faith and go to Iowa. One minute I sway towards Iowa and the next, to stay here. I feel as if I should make myself go to Iowa. To save money (in case a recession comes? I don't know why I feel like I need to save money for the recession, kind of like feeling like I need food stored for a storm.) And I feel like I should do a PhD. I keep thinking, I should do a PhD, I should do it. Is it really coming from deep inside me? I don't know...many other people are saying I should do it as well. Namely my sister, girlfriend, dad, a couple friends. It's true that I am inclined to that type of "inquiry" mindset that is true to research. At the same time I think social work is SO important, and I can't even imagine myself doing a PhD in public health without a background in social work. It's almost like discounting people as people and treating them as numbers.
Wednesday, April 2, 2008
Today, I talked with my friend Shehreen and realized something. And that is that our emotions do not necessarily say anything about our lives. These reactions can be deceiving and intense. For example, I was telling Shehreen how I am feeling lonely in my apartment. And she responded, "You just got there! It could change."
In the past, I have absolutely loved things at first that I slowly grew to feel uncomfortable and unhappy in. Maybe in more challenging circumstances, I try harder to improve my situation and 1. don't form expectations that can be let down and 2. take appreciation into working towards improvement. Anyway, just like the good has a lesser good side, the lesser good can have a good side. It seems like I only appreciate the good when it is obviously present instead of finding the good in a situation where it is less obvious.
So in my decision whether to leave the program and go to Iowa. Am I escaping instead of trying hard to make it through here, or am I actually making a hard decision that will be best for me in the longer term but is not appealing to me right now? In the latter, I would actually escape the difficult by staying here.
But then again, I came here for a reason. To start the Master of Social Work program for a reason. Why? Because I wanted to help people, practice public health, and work in the health field with direct practice work. So why don't I do that? What is the problem that I am constantly thinking about? Is it just not feeling comfortable in New York and again wanting to change like I have been doing for the past two years. Running away from myself and my life instead of building it from the ground up? Maybe, but then again it is difficult to have a life in New York City of all places, it is rough, overcrowded, intense. I have been putting so much time into trying to think and I feel like nothing is coming out. No thought or decisions....what does that mean? Maybe it is anxiety around the decision-making. I don't see, though, how going to Iowa can really be that bad. Of course, I won't be near my sister and other people...but I might find a job somewhere closer. And besides, these social work classes have really helped me understand my interests and myself more. They weren't a waste.
And I need to put things into more of a positive perspective. Going to Iowa could be a great opportunity to explore PhD and other school programs, art programs in Ames (where my family lives). I simply don't know. What happens when we don't know? We pick something that is not necessarily the best. Maybe there is no best, each sides have pros and cons and in the end it is not the end of the world any way we turn. Life is a tapestry made from the thread we trail behind. I all too often try to make the tapestry in one full swoop, just to have the security that I know what it looks like and that there will be no flaws. Instead I need to embrace the flaws, it shows life, that a human was there. And anyway, this tapestry is so much more beatiful and creative.
I know Jen, major overshare :-)
In the past, I have absolutely loved things at first that I slowly grew to feel uncomfortable and unhappy in. Maybe in more challenging circumstances, I try harder to improve my situation and 1. don't form expectations that can be let down and 2. take appreciation into working towards improvement. Anyway, just like the good has a lesser good side, the lesser good can have a good side. It seems like I only appreciate the good when it is obviously present instead of finding the good in a situation where it is less obvious.
So in my decision whether to leave the program and go to Iowa. Am I escaping instead of trying hard to make it through here, or am I actually making a hard decision that will be best for me in the longer term but is not appealing to me right now? In the latter, I would actually escape the difficult by staying here.
But then again, I came here for a reason. To start the Master of Social Work program for a reason. Why? Because I wanted to help people, practice public health, and work in the health field with direct practice work. So why don't I do that? What is the problem that I am constantly thinking about? Is it just not feeling comfortable in New York and again wanting to change like I have been doing for the past two years. Running away from myself and my life instead of building it from the ground up? Maybe, but then again it is difficult to have a life in New York City of all places, it is rough, overcrowded, intense. I have been putting so much time into trying to think and I feel like nothing is coming out. No thought or decisions....what does that mean? Maybe it is anxiety around the decision-making. I don't see, though, how going to Iowa can really be that bad. Of course, I won't be near my sister and other people...but I might find a job somewhere closer. And besides, these social work classes have really helped me understand my interests and myself more. They weren't a waste.
And I need to put things into more of a positive perspective. Going to Iowa could be a great opportunity to explore PhD and other school programs, art programs in Ames (where my family lives). I simply don't know. What happens when we don't know? We pick something that is not necessarily the best. Maybe there is no best, each sides have pros and cons and in the end it is not the end of the world any way we turn. Life is a tapestry made from the thread we trail behind. I all too often try to make the tapestry in one full swoop, just to have the security that I know what it looks like and that there will be no flaws. Instead I need to embrace the flaws, it shows life, that a human was there. And anyway, this tapestry is so much more beatiful and creative.
I know Jen, major overshare :-)
Tuesday, April 1, 2008
Reframing to positive
I've decided that for one week everyday I will write a blog post reframing my life for the positive. I will only discuss and process the positive aspects of my life. Let's see how the experiment goes...
For today,
I managed to clean and move from my old place to my new one very efficiently. Everything went smoothly, from loading and unloading the taxi to getting into my new apartment. Then my wonderful new roommate was very welcoming and we sat in our living room drinking coffee (which she offered me) together. She is an intensely creative person yet very subtle and soft. She pointed to a tree in an open space behind our apartment, and said it is the Ailanthus tree- written about in A Tree Grows in Brooklyn. It means "Tree of heaven" and is known for growing in delapitated urban spaces. Its knickname is poverty tree and grows between the cracks of concrete, reaching for the heavens. I think this is the sign that no matter where I am at, there is always a chance to reach for the heavens. Even in the most unexpected places.
The apartment has wonderful artistry. Works of art decorate every corner and space. Michelle, my roommate, has many collections that are interesting- like doors, chairs, and window frames inside her apartment.
I got to the apartment expecting no wireless, because Michelle has not ordered it yet but I am able to connect to someone else's wireless for now. Wahoo!
I walked to the drug store and grocery store, getting the necessities I need including band-aids and ointment for my cut hand.
Now, I'm eating a quiet dinner and about to read a book while I finish eating. It's my first dinner in this apartment that feels like home more than any other place I have staid in for the past couple months, probably because the room is completely empty and mine to fill up with my own personality. After dinner I may take a bath and then read more for my classes.
And one person is warming my heart. Constantly :-) I love you Jen.
For today,
I managed to clean and move from my old place to my new one very efficiently. Everything went smoothly, from loading and unloading the taxi to getting into my new apartment. Then my wonderful new roommate was very welcoming and we sat in our living room drinking coffee (which she offered me) together. She is an intensely creative person yet very subtle and soft. She pointed to a tree in an open space behind our apartment, and said it is the Ailanthus tree- written about in A Tree Grows in Brooklyn. It means "Tree of heaven" and is known for growing in delapitated urban spaces. Its knickname is poverty tree and grows between the cracks of concrete, reaching for the heavens. I think this is the sign that no matter where I am at, there is always a chance to reach for the heavens. Even in the most unexpected places.
The apartment has wonderful artistry. Works of art decorate every corner and space. Michelle, my roommate, has many collections that are interesting- like doors, chairs, and window frames inside her apartment.
I got to the apartment expecting no wireless, because Michelle has not ordered it yet but I am able to connect to someone else's wireless for now. Wahoo!
I walked to the drug store and grocery store, getting the necessities I need including band-aids and ointment for my cut hand.
Now, I'm eating a quiet dinner and about to read a book while I finish eating. It's my first dinner in this apartment that feels like home more than any other place I have staid in for the past couple months, probably because the room is completely empty and mine to fill up with my own personality. After dinner I may take a bath and then read more for my classes.
And one person is warming my heart. Constantly :-) I love you Jen.
Townhouse flowers...
I just moved to a new apartment today, in a neighborhood I adore...my favorite neighborhood in nyc I think. I feel very happy that I managed to find an apartment here, but I'm not sure how long I'll be able to stay. I'm contemplating many things right now including whether to drop out of my expensive program and live in Iowa. I feel like I'm on the tips of my toes just waiting for the shock of the decision. I don't want to make the decision to go to Iowa but part of me feels that it is the only option if I can't find a job here soon.
I feel like I'm in total limbo, not willing to enter either place completely: staying here or leaving.
But I really noticed today how flowers are starting to bloom everywhere. Taking a walk down our street, I saw these white flowers by the sidewalk next to someone's home. The yards are starting to take life with these blossoms everywhere I turn. I have never really been a spring person before, but now I'm noticing the colors, blooming, warmer temperatures and appreciating them.
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