Good day....

I am having such a good day...it's funny how my days alternate-- I'll have a horrible day and then the next day will be so happy and wonderful. That was my story of yesterday. I love thinking about that....that both happiness and sadness never last. And that's okay :) That's life.

But today was so nice. I spent the day getting many things I needed to do in preparation for a bridal shower, birthday, and my sister's wedding. I talked with my sister, adjusted my bridesmaid dress with my step-mom, went to the public library to get dvd's of six feet under for this week...getting mentally prepared for my sister's wedding in Provence, France. Having nice texts with my sweetheart. Eating pizza along with wine for dinner. Lot's of good moments just added up....and then tonight I'm going out for a drink with one of my childhood best friends and her fiance.

I've posted a picture of lilacs, since they seem to be everywhere in Ames, Iowa....making the air smell so good! It's from: http://steph.sicore.org/archives/home/index.html.

papercranes.

Somehow, around 3:30pm my brain shuts down and it's very difficult for me to work and finish up the rest of the day until I leave around 4:30 or 5pm. Sometimes I'll push through it, sometimes I just give in and do something more enjoyable than statistical analysis of data.

Yesterday I had a very strange day, I was feeling tired and frustrated from the moment I got up...today was much better but I know that I should exercise and eat healthier. I hope to God I can get a car when I come back from France.

I still have a persistent nagging feeling that something is not quite right....maybe somewhere something is happening and I don't have a crystal ball to actually see it but I have a connection to it and feel it...I don't know what it is. Maybe I need to do something fun or enjoy something...at least I'll see one of my childhood best friends Naomi and her fiance will be in town and we will go out Saturday night and her wedding shower is the next day. I need to go to Cook's Emporium this weekend to buy her a gift!

I have discovered a great band called Papercranes....(picture above from http://www.papercranesmusic.com/images.html). I've been listening to them a lot during the day while I work and absolutely adore their music. I like the lyrics...."...only you hold you back...", "...how come change is so hard when you're changing....", "...you've got me to smile...", and "...I'll meet you in the middle of you and me..."

First picture of poppies is from (http://elseachelsea.typepad.com/)

Spring flowers....

I wanted to post these photos from the blog La Tartine Gourmande, these are such beautiful spring time flowers! It's a rainy day out right now, and the fresh pink flowers make me feel bright inside again.

Bus on a saturday...

I spent my Saturday morning taking the bus to mainstreet in Ames. I got off at the City Hall and walked down the street to the public library where I chose six dvd's to check out and returned books/dvd's I checked out last weekend. They are all non-fiction dvd's (except for one video of six feet under) about different artists/people. Right now, though I'm watching Melinda and Melinda I saw my family happened to have-- I love woody allen movies!

Then after the library, I walked to Wheetsfield Grocery food coop which is right next to the library. Different things in Ames surprise me, this food coop being one of them. It is a great organic food co-op-- it's big and the selection is really great. I've visited quite a few co-ops and this is relatively great. I got food there, which I desparately need because all my family eats are meat, burger king, and frozen pizzas most of the time which is opposite of me who eats mainly organic vegetarian food. I'm unusual to my family and whenever the topic of food comes up they look at me like I'm an alien :)

So I took the bus home with my cloth bag full of groceries...then I did laundry with some new detergent I bought at Wheetsfield and made lunch...I have the rest of the day at home so I'll probably do cleaning and work on my research project. Tomorrow I'm going to walk to the Unitarian Universalist Fellowship of Ames and go to the 10am service-- there is also a meditation group there I might attend tomorrow evening. Other than that I will spend this memorial day weekend finishing up my data analysis for work on Tuesday and preparing more for the wedding.

Second day of work: complete!

My second day of work has just ended. It's a relief. It went well, and I feel like I'm getting steps closer to my first pay check which is really important. If I can just make it through the summer is what I keep saying. But what I need to learn to do more than anything else is just let go....realize that it's not easy but that I'm making it every day a little further and that is important.

I had two great phone conversations with people at University of Cincinnati today, which gives me hope that everything may work out...I talked to the Director of the department I got accepted to and asked him about a tuition waver. He said that he has put in a request already and will be able to tell me within the next week. Then I talked to someone I may be able to do research with (for living expenses in Cincinnati) during the year. I am thinking that there may be a possibility that he could pay part of the tuition for me in the form of an assistantship, if the tuition waver doesn't work out! So a lot of things are up in the air right now. Life is all about uncertainty. Even when things look certain, they never really are. So....just smile :)

Positives and negatives.

I'm really trying to keep my hopes up...and not think about the negative aspects of my life right now. If I do that, I think I will go crazy or very upset. What I need is to accept the things that cannot change (i.e. living in my family's basement in a small midwestern town with no cultural diversity, no car, and having little money until a month from now when my first pay check comes which means I have been eating peanut butter and ramen noodles too often) and act upon and change the things that can. I can change how I deal with the things that cannot change it....like take walks outside, read outside on the Iowa State University campus which is beautiful, go to the public library and check some books I would love to read, draw, write.

There are positives about my life, I am in a great relationship with someone I love, I just got a great job that started last Friday and tomorrow will be Monday and again I will be busy with a full work week. And tomorrow starts extended hours at the library I go to and weekend hours, the bus line stop is right in front of our house, I have enough money to get to nyc for my sister's wedding, I stopped drinking coffee since I came here and drink green tea daily instead, I have a potentially exciting prospect at University of Cincinnati for after this current job ends, I'm getting along fairly well with my dad and Monika, I don't need to bring my bridesmaid dress in to be altered, I ordered my shoes which will arrive in time for the wedding. I didn't even realize there were more positives than negatives until I wrote them all down. It's funny how we can become so focused on the negatives that we can let one negative outweigh ten positives, until we change our frame of mind.

I think I'm going to the public library soon to get more books and maybe DVD's and possibly work at Cafe Diem after that.

Bridesmaide preparations!

Today was my first day of work for my new job! It was great...and then tonight I started finalizing some of the plans for my sister's wedding, which will be in Provence, France, June 14th. I bought shoes from Target online,

So pretty....and then I thought I would have to pay money to get my bridesmaid dress altered but after I tried it on and my step mom, Monika, and I looked at it, we decided we can make a few small changes ourselves. The halter strap needs to be shortened a few inches, we can add elastic to the front, and cut off a couple inches of the bottom. Yay! Also, there was a huge pen mark on the front of the dress (my sister got it at a vera wang sample sale in nyc where she lives) and Monika gave me the tip of rubbing alcohol into the pen mark....it worked like magic! No more pen mark! Now I don't need to buy a huge ribbon belt to cover it up.

I still need to buy a strapless bra I think, and my sister will lend me pearl earrings. I'm excited for the wedding...the first photo above is a picture of the bridesmaid dress my sister found for 25$ but it is in a honeydew melon color and there is no ribbon at the waist, although I would really like to add one :)

Morning bliss...

This morning I was driving to work with my brother and my father and saw a lawn mower you can ride with a couple on it. A boy and girl were squeezed onto the seat together with their arms around each other, driving it across the lawn. I thought that was so romantic...they were both smiling and laughing. It was such joy to see that in the morning. They kind of resembled the end of the movie Ferris Bueller's Day Off when the couple rides a lawn mower off into the sunset.

Marriage on Brothers and Sisters

I just watched the most recent episode of the tv show Brothers and Sisters online from 5/12/08 http://dynamic.abc.go.com/streaming/landing?channel=5071-- it was such a good show. Almost the entire episode was about the Civil Union that Tommy and Scottie planned. Last week's episode, they got engaged and this week's episode showed Tommy telling his family about the wedding, everyone preparing, how the family members reacted to the news...even flashbacks to when Tommy first told his father he is gay and how the relationship changed between them. Overall, the "Civil Union" actually turned into a marriage. I like the idea that marriage does not need to be dictated by a priest or the city government, but rather by the couple. Anyone can have a marriage anywhere for that matter, and it can mean the same thing as any other marriage. I really believe in that.

So there were many touching moments in the show like when Scottie's father gave the cuff links he wore at his own wedding to Tommy to give Scottie. And then it showed after the wedding, Scottie taking off the cuff links while smiling at his husband.

I think this is the most beautiful process of gay marriage I have seen on a television program.

Cincinnati...

It was interesting to return to Cincinnati, although the whole time I was there I don't think I really noticed where I was specifically. Probably because the main reason I was there was to see my partner. I did have such a good time and I enjoyed doing everything we did in Cincinnati, mainly because of who I was doing them with!

I decided to go to Cincinnati two days early-- on Monday, April 28th, instead of Wednesday, April 30th which was such a good idea because I was so ready to leave New York City. I was itching to leave every day for a couple weeks before I left. I found that this is something I always do-- wanting to leave where I am to somewhere different. I swear, I should be a professional adventurer, journalist, photographer, archaeologist. hehe. Just like now I'm itching to be in Cincinnati. The only time I don't itch to be somewhere else is being with Jen. It feels right, like home.

So....to start off this wonderful trip I arrived Monday and was so tired, those long bus trips are something else. They are so trying...I always feel so accomplished when I get to my destination. Like I climbed Mount Everest or something :) During my stay I saw so many beautiful sides of Cincinnati and Kentucky. We did things like visit museums like the Cincinnati Art Museum and the Taft Museum. They were both different experiences...I loved seeing the artwork with Jen and seeing the paintings and what not through her eyes. The Taft Museum may become one of my favorite spots in Cincinnati, we went on a free Wednesday....it is a huge mansion with artifacts and objects making it into a living historical house. The rooms are small and mischievous....I almost felt as if we were inside the game Clue. On the first floor there is a little tea room/cafe which was so cute and elegant. I would love to have a little birthday lunch or breakfast with a great friend there.

We spent a lot of time walking outdoors which was great for both of us. We went to Eden Park one day when we went to the Cincinnati Art Museum and ate lunch by a big fountain. We also went to Krohn's Conservatory where we saw the annual butterfly show. We took a day trip to Kincaid Lake one day which was great. We packed a picnic, including a strawberry Panzanella we cooked the day before. I must say I love cooking with Jen. It's great fun being in the kitchen together, splitting up the tasks, and helping each other in little ways. So we spread out a blanket by the water and had our picnic...we also brought along an art book and looked through that together. Before lunch we took a walk down a trail, which was one of the beautiful sites I've ever seen. My idea of true beauty is the "enchanted forest" hehe....where there are dew drops, glistening streams of sun, flowing water, animals, insects....

We also spent time with a number of Jen's friends, which was so great. Half of them I have met before and half of them not. So it was really wonderful. Seeing all of them was wonderful. We had dinner at Myra's, our favorite restaurant, with friends Regina and Paul and then saw a good movie after that at Esquire Theater-- My Blueberry Nights. I loved the movie, it was perfect for such a rich dreamy vacation with Jen. The images and the soundtrack were just so...tasty. hehe....We also had dinner at Amol's India with Jen's brother. I like him a lot. He's so cute, nice, creative...And then spent a great evening with Jen's mother. Jen's mom made us dinner that tasted SO GOOD. I'm not sure if it tasted so good because of the actual food- that I can believe- but also I think because her mom made it for us. Then we played a game of Scrabble while eating yummy desserts and watched the tv show House. My last night in Cincinnati we saw her friend Joel and his roommate Brad. They are so much fun and nice. We played video games, ate, talked, Joel showed us his artwork....it was fun.

Also, another thing I did in Cincinnati I really liked was go to church with Jen. Her church is great-- the people in it, the preacher, it is also very pretty with stained glass windows. Afterwards there was a reception, I get nervous around lot's of people socializing but it was nice and we ate yummy cupcakes.

The trip on the bus from Cincinnati to Ames was quite nice (aside from the fact that I missed Jen so much)...the buses were pretty empty so I had the seat next to me free most of the time and so slept a lot. When I wasn't sleeping I gazed out the window to the landscapes or read. Of course I thought all was fine, except that when I got off the bus I wasn't used to solid ground and lost balance almost toppling over hehe...and then I thought I was rested but fell asleep around 9pm here.

Now I have great memories of our trip together but I feel the blues sometimes when I think about Jen because I want so much for us to be together and I want to see her again. It was like a 10 day tease. In a good way...I miss her though.

Mother's day....

This day, Mother's Day, has always been a very hard day for me. My mother passed away when I was 12 and every year I seem to hide myself away and cry for at least part of the day. That is how I begun the day this year as well. My dad's family went to church and then planned to go to a pizza restaurant for Mother's Day. I didn't go with them...my initial reaction was to blame myself and tell myself I should have gone with them. But then I realized that I have been blamed and "shoulded" for much of my life unfairly by abusive family members and decided that I am not going to internalize that and add to it from myself. At least I can control my own actions. So I decided to let it go and give myself grace. There is nothing wrong with the way I feel and my action. I need to support and nurture myself, especially on such a difficult day.

So instead of continuing to spend the day crying, I decided from now on I'm going to celebrate my mother's life and her motherhood on Mother's Day. I would like to create a little assembly of flowers, candle, and photo to honor her. I don't have these things right now, and I don't need them. Instead, what counts, are the memories to honor. So I will spend a few moments today thinking about what a wonderful person she was, what she gave to others and the world around her, and importantly, what she gave me: her daughter. This blog entry is for Ania Lydia Pate, who will never die in my mind and whose spirit and soul will last forever.