When we lose something, we make room for something new

Today I am leaving New York City...I feel a strange sensation of going away from the past three months living here and moving into a cloud of the unknown. That makes me feel excited, relieved, nervous, and determined. I ended up withdrawing from my courses at NYU and not finishing the semester, which in a way makes me feel like I wasted a lot of time and money but in another way I feel like I learned some very important lessons about my life...is it worth $15,000? Well, I guess I can't put a price tag on it. At least it happened. Maybe I was meant to come here in order to find these lessons.

I have now decided that 1. I'm not going to move to a new place frivolously until I find out everything about the opportunity waiting and consider my options seriously before making a decision, 2. Wherever I move to next, I will make my home- no matter where it is at. I will not live out of my boxes and on an air mattress for weeks or months at a time, 3. I will value myself, treat myself with respect, allow myself to experience goodness, and cultivate my passions, 4. I will not start another master's degree or degree program I need to pay for (including free-floating non-degree classes), 5. Constantly keep my eye on what counts for my career and personal life, 6. Give myself time everyday to let go of all worries and tensions, coming back to reality with a clear perspective, 7. Maintain healthy and enriching relationships with my friends and family, 8. Work to open my heart to others, no matter how I judge their goodness-- after all that is just my judgement and does not speak to who they really are, it speaks to who I am.

It is funny how I expect fireworks to go off or something to mark this change in my life. When actually the change is happening much slower and subtly, while just going on with my normal everday routines of living. The remarkable things, I suppose, I'll see over time in this case. My efforts at moving to a different place in my life will just accumulate into something that takes a shape over time. I need to be patient.

Ella Fitzgerald's Birthday

Today is Ella Fitzgerald's Birthday...she was born on April 25th, 1917. Happy Birthday Ella! I absolutely love her music...this is the perfect day to listen to her as well. It's sunny and bright and this street block is filled with trees, flowers, and blossoms.

A couple days ago I took a very long walk through Prospect Park, and I found this little hidden space with what looked like little pools drained of water and filled with spring time things like petals and blossoms. There were trees with long reaching branches. As I walked around the space, there petals fell from trees, it looked so magical. The spot reminded me of the movie Legend, where Tom Cruise's character dives into a pool of water to get the ring Lily throws in. At least before the demons come, I always thought that was the prettiest scene of any movie I've seen. I used to be a huge unicorn fan when I was younger...actually a fan of any mythical creature, but definitely unicorns.

Six-month Anniversary and Circle Line Tours

Today is the six-month anniversary of my sweetie and I. Yesterday we had a wonderful date night/six-month anniversary idea of writing a list of all the things we like about eachother and then sharing them with eachother. It was a wonderful and special time...I learned a lot about my feelings for her and some things she thinks about me. As I wrote about things I love and appreciate about her, I found myself on a roll...and loving it. It kind of dug up some great feelings within me and letting them go and writing about them was really wonderful.

This morning I met my friend Howard and we got to spend the day together, which was great because we haven't seen eachother for such a long time. I moved away from San Francisco about a year and a half ago and it has been since then, since we have seen eachother. His family is from the New York City area so sometimes we see eachother when we are both here at the same time.

So today we went on a Circle Line Tour around the Manhattan island. It was a really great boat ride, relaxing, and so interesting as there was a person providing descriptions and information about New York City. I think the gentle swaying of the boat almost put me to sleep though, truthfully. hehe.

Then my friend Howard and I had lunch together. I had a pomegranate sweet chicken sandwich, vinegar and salt chips, and pomegranate juice. It was so delicious.

India-- I love you.

There is truly nothing more beautiful than classical Indian devotional music, especially with the tabla. I can literally enter something like a trance, or a higher meditative state, listening to it. Go on and on.....sigh. I have always felt the most at home with Indian culture-- including music, spirituality, food, people, friends, oh my the list goes on with no stop. And I'm not thinking of Indian culture within the fabric of America. India.

I wish I could give myself to India. I did promise a friend once I would work for uplifting people there, in that continent. I hope to follow-through with that promise and find a way to do that one day.

Blossoms, blossoms, and more blossoms.

It's so beautiful outside, walking down the street I feel like I'm going through a cloud of white blossoms. It's truly a magical, colorful, bright time of year and I really appreciate Spring now. We are in the heart of Spring, and it feels so good.

I am going to work on my policy portfolio today. Which means I need to look up some acts/articles/legislature and come up with some ideas and themes. I think once I start getting into it this afternoon I will start to feel better about the project. I'm horrible about accomplishing things under pressure sometimes, I run the other way. One of my friends once told me that under pressure and deadlines she falls asleep. She will literally instantaneously fall asleep for hours in the peak of things.

Anyway, it's a gorgeous day outside and there are so many things to be thankful for.

A way through everything...

I realized today that sometimes it seems like I encounter stumbling blocks, and I feel suffocated, as if there is no way out. But I realized with effort there is. There is a way out. And that way out, is letting the steam out from inside and transforming the negative pressure it creates inside to positive constructive energy.

Today, I did this by taking a deep breath and focusing my energy to the center of my head...rubbing my eyes and face. And then realizing what I need to do: finish my application to University of Cincinnati to the PhD program. God knows I wanted to just sit there and pretend the world was ending. But mechanically at first (without my heart and attention) I just proceeded with my day and with my work and then I realized that is how it should be. Everything goes on....

Then I took a bath and completely relaxed and let my tension out.

See, there are ways to rejuvinate and appreciate life again!

I also thought about my partner, and how she has been so incredibly supportive. I don't know how she does it sometimes, with my twists and turns in emotions and moods... but she's always there for me. And I appreciate that to no end.

There are many people in my life who are supportive in me as a person and who I love and cherish. My friend Shehreen, who has such a kind heart and who has been there so immeasurably that I am so grateful to her. My sister, who I have a very rocky and one of the most meaningful relationships with. She has been such a great sister and is one of the most important people in my life. Also, my dad who is also a very kind soul and is always there for me. Other friends (Cherise and Naomi-- I heart you!) Betty- who calls me every weekend to check up on me. She has almost done this since high school. My aunt, uncle, and three cousins in Berlin who are like my second family.

So the point is that it is easy to take people in your life for granted or not rely on the love you give eachother. But this love and what we share are so important. You are not alone, there are people thinking about you and sending well wishes your way....and I'm sure you do the same. :)

...where do you hear jazz?

I just went to the corner store to get ice cream, and the man at the counter ran my credit card and as it was making sounds processing the card, he said: "Is there a sound better than a credit card machine? It sounds like an old man weeping."

Only in New York City.

Another thing I miss about New York City is that last time I was here I used to hear trumpet music coming from someone's apartment (I never identified which one) near ours coming through the window. Every day after I got home from work around 5pm....and sometimes if I was there during the day I would also hear it. That person must have played hours every day.

So jazz...I would like to visit this small old jazz club in Harlem, EZ's Woodshed. Here is a painting from their website of the jazz musician Thelonius Monk.

Not taking for granted, anything.

The last few days have been tough (p.s. I think I'm going to have my period very soon) and I would like to work on my decisions starting right now. One good thing I did, and that I was scared to do, was call a job that I had started working in after my break and talk to the manager who trained me this morning to tell her I decided not to continue with the job.

I have learned especially lately how things have really scared me in life and that I would like to be more brave. More brave in trusting in the person I love and our relationship, more brave in confronting people and telling them how I feel, more brave in making steps in my career and in things I love. I have to give myself understanding that given my experiences, I have formed coping mechanisms that I need to reshape consciously.

I have also thought about today how nothing should be taken for granted. And that all of our actions will affect others and the energy of the universe in some way. Ways we do not know of...therefore I need to not do things to expect something in return, but do things to project positive energy into the universe and know that something or someone somewhere will be affected.

I also thought today about how I would like to use my talents more in the work I do, and the knowledge I have. I don't think about sometimes that Hey, I have a master's degree in public health, I have a lot of knowledge that could help people. I need to find a way to contribute that to people. I have laid stagnant and confused for a long time now, understandably, but I'm ready now to rekindle my passions. Of course a romantic passion has been rekindled for a long time, thanks to one beautiful person. But now I would like to rekindle other passions for public health, inequalities, international issues, music, drawing and photography and so on. I need to realize how important they are. I will not take these for granted.

I have a lot of energies and great things to contribute to the world, and even if I only make the step to read some articles on social justice/ international health issues, write an email to a friend to let them know how much I care about them, post a nice comment on someone's blog, write a short story on a topic I care about, pray or write a poem for someone-- there is no thought or deed too small.

Drawing...

Some things in life are sweet.

Today walking home from class I saw a couple, two mature women with whitish/gray hair, sitting on the front stoop of a brooklyn brownstone home...they looked like the perfect complement and like they had been together since they were 16 years old. I gave them a smile as I passed and had a bounce in my step the rest of the way home. I just hope I too end up sitting on the front stoop with a special someone on the first beautiful warm spring day of the year.

Good day!

I would like to write about a very good day I just had :) I know that I have had a lot of struggles lately and my blogs have not been positive, but I am proud to say this one is.

* Today I received several great emails. I heard back from the director of the PhD program in Sociology at University of Cincinnati and he is letting me apply for Fall 2008 and will help on my behalf. Yay. Then I heard back from someone at the Lower East Side Tenement Museum that he has paid work he can give me to work on at home like audio and photo editing. I have been looking for a part-time job so that is fantastic news. And then he actually sent the first set of work to me!
* After working well at the library I got a delicious lunch of cabbage mint salad (my favorite), curry chickpeas with apples and red onions, cumin chips, and a lemonade. I am still realing on how good it was.
* I followed up well on a job application I sent out awhile ago on the phone that led to setting up an interview for tomorrow.
* I am loving my sweetie even more than ever, if possible.

:o)

I think this day gives me hope, that not everything is bad.

Decisions and decisions...

I've realized that life is a series of choices and decisions. Life is not all about destiny. Our lives are made up of small choices in decisions. And it's easy to undervalue or be less mindful in those times, thinking that what we do doesn't really matter. It does.

And I'm going to start by realizing that more is in my control than I thought. Ruminating will not get me anywhere, complaining, and feeling negative will not accomplish anything. But thinking more positively and proactively--- like, how can I make a change for the better? or what can I do to bring more happiness into my life? Keeping an open mind is also essential.

My future is based on the decisions I make now and will not hit me in an epiphany in the middle of the night. That is being lazy just waiting for the perfect answers to come to me. I need to make them. That's not to say that I can't take a break and spend more time getting to know myself and my options. That can be a goal and a good decision in itself.

Accept all

I have been thinking about this idea today on my trip home on the subway. Lot's of things that people do bother me and I used to stay in a bad mood for hours thinking about how that other person has done something bad or wrong. And I was thinking today that I need to concentrate on my life and being happy. What other people do to me is not my concern beyond the way I react to her or him in that moment. I cannot control who this person is and the things that she or he does. Instead it is important to allow that person to be her or himself. They have many different traits, behaviors, and sides. The point of the world is not to try to make everyone be like you, because that would be also taking away all the special things other people give away to the world.

The good comes with the bad, and it is my aim to just let people be who they are and stop disturbing myself with it. Instead I want to challenge myself to understand them. To see what they see through their eyes. And then what they say and do probably makes sense and maybe should not be any different. If I look through my eyes, of course it will seem off. But their eyes and soul and not my own and not mine to change or possess.

I'm starting to realize that yes, there are people I care about in my life who mistreat me. Who ignore me. Who abuse me in different ways. This is the tip of the ice burg in our world. I've come to embrace (not warmly) all the atrocities and flaws humans have. It does not mean they are right or that we should not fight against them. But to recognize they are real, they are happening, and to accept them. If we do not accept them, then the rest cannot be done and we will destroy ourselves. Look into the eye of the horror, that is how we transcend it.

I find it easier to type into a blog than write in a diary lately. The only difference is that this is not as private. But I don't really care :o)

I struggled so much this morning in finishing my midterm, without even mentioning last night! It was horrible last night...I sat down with my midterm in anguish for about 4 and a half hours before I started to type on my computer or read. It was frustruating. Maybe a writer's block? Anyway, I did finish it-- I'm not sure how good it is and how complete. I'm not too savy or interested in studying policy. I get lost in the gargons and legal words.

I finished it though, printed it, and turned it in! yay me!! I'm proud of myself. That is something that everyone needs, I think. To feel proud of themselves. :) I'm proud of you, too. By the way.

Now, I am reading Pigs in Heaven by Barbara Kingsolver. I'm a huge huge fan of hers. This book is a really great story about a child from the Cherokee nation who was adopted and her parents want her back. It's about the struggle and disenfranchisement of Native American communities as well. I like where the title comes from- it originates from a Native American myth about turning one's back on community, which turns that person into a pig in heaven.

On other thoughts, I'm trying to decide what I want to do this summer. And whether I want to continue with my program here or take a leap of faith and go to Iowa. One minute I sway towards Iowa and the next, to stay here. I feel as if I should make myself go to Iowa. To save money (in case a recession comes? I don't know why I feel like I need to save money for the recession, kind of like feeling like I need food stored for a storm.) And I feel like I should do a PhD. I keep thinking, I should do a PhD, I should do it. Is it really coming from deep inside me? I don't know...many other people are saying I should do it as well. Namely my sister, girlfriend, dad, a couple friends. It's true that I am inclined to that type of "inquiry" mindset that is true to research. At the same time I think social work is SO important, and I can't even imagine myself doing a PhD in public health without a background in social work. It's almost like discounting people as people and treating them as numbers.

Today, I talked with my friend Shehreen and realized something. And that is that our emotions do not necessarily say anything about our lives. These reactions can be deceiving and intense. For example, I was telling Shehreen how I am feeling lonely in my apartment. And she responded, "You just got there! It could change."

In the past, I have absolutely loved things at first that I slowly grew to feel uncomfortable and unhappy in. Maybe in more challenging circumstances, I try harder to improve my situation and 1. don't form expectations that can be let down and 2. take appreciation into working towards improvement. Anyway, just like the good has a lesser good side, the lesser good can have a good side. It seems like I only appreciate the good when it is obviously present instead of finding the good in a situation where it is less obvious.

So in my decision whether to leave the program and go to Iowa. Am I escaping instead of trying hard to make it through here, or am I actually making a hard decision that will be best for me in the longer term but is not appealing to me right now? In the latter, I would actually escape the difficult by staying here.

But then again, I came here for a reason. To start the Master of Social Work program for a reason. Why? Because I wanted to help people, practice public health, and work in the health field with direct practice work. So why don't I do that? What is the problem that I am constantly thinking about? Is it just not feeling comfortable in New York and again wanting to change like I have been doing for the past two years. Running away from myself and my life instead of building it from the ground up? Maybe, but then again it is difficult to have a life in New York City of all places, it is rough, overcrowded, intense. I have been putting so much time into trying to think and I feel like nothing is coming out. No thought or decisions....what does that mean? Maybe it is anxiety around the decision-making. I don't see, though, how going to Iowa can really be that bad. Of course, I won't be near my sister and other people...but I might find a job somewhere closer. And besides, these social work classes have really helped me understand my interests and myself more. They weren't a waste.

And I need to put things into more of a positive perspective. Going to Iowa could be a great opportunity to explore PhD and other school programs, art programs in Ames (where my family lives). I simply don't know. What happens when we don't know? We pick something that is not necessarily the best. Maybe there is no best, each sides have pros and cons and in the end it is not the end of the world any way we turn. Life is a tapestry made from the thread we trail behind. I all too often try to make the tapestry in one full swoop, just to have the security that I know what it looks like and that there will be no flaws. Instead I need to embrace the flaws, it shows life, that a human was there. And anyway, this tapestry is so much more beatiful and creative.

I know Jen, major overshare :-)

Reframing to positive

I've decided that for one week everyday I will write a blog post reframing my life for the positive. I will only discuss and process the positive aspects of my life. Let's see how the experiment goes...

For today,

I managed to clean and move from my old place to my new one very efficiently. Everything went smoothly, from loading and unloading the taxi to getting into my new apartment. Then my wonderful new roommate was very welcoming and we sat in our living room drinking coffee (which she offered me) together. She is an intensely creative person yet very subtle and soft. She pointed to a tree in an open space behind our apartment, and said it is the Ailanthus tree- written about in A Tree Grows in Brooklyn. It means "Tree of heaven" and is known for growing in delapitated urban spaces. Its knickname is poverty tree and grows between the cracks of concrete, reaching for the heavens. I think this is the sign that no matter where I am at, there is always a chance to reach for the heavens. Even in the most unexpected places.

The apartment has wonderful artistry. Works of art decorate every corner and space. Michelle, my roommate, has many collections that are interesting- like doors, chairs, and window frames inside her apartment.

I got to the apartment expecting no wireless, because Michelle has not ordered it yet but I am able to connect to someone else's wireless for now. Wahoo!

I walked to the drug store and grocery store, getting the necessities I need including band-aids and ointment for my cut hand.

Now, I'm eating a quiet dinner and about to read a book while I finish eating. It's my first dinner in this apartment that feels like home more than any other place I have staid in for the past couple months, probably because the room is completely empty and mine to fill up with my own personality. After dinner I may take a bath and then read more for my classes.

And one person is warming my heart. Constantly :-) I love you Jen.

Townhouse flowers...

I just moved to a new apartment today, in a neighborhood I adore...my favorite neighborhood in nyc I think. I feel very happy that I managed to find an apartment here, but I'm not sure how long I'll be able to stay. I'm contemplating many things right now including whether to drop out of my expensive program and live in Iowa. I feel like I'm on the tips of my toes just waiting for the shock of the decision. I don't want to make the decision to go to Iowa but part of me feels that it is the only option if I can't find a job here soon.

I feel like I'm in total limbo, not willing to enter either place completely: staying here or leaving.

But I really noticed today how flowers are starting to bloom everywhere. Taking a walk down our street, I saw these white flowers by the sidewalk next to someone's home. The yards are starting to take life with these blossoms everywhere I turn. I have never really been a spring person before, but now I'm noticing the colors, blooming, warmer temperatures and appreciating them.